i am a bird now

i wish i could
take this feeling
wrap it in a ball
make string
out of it
tie my mouth shut.

never kiss you again:
want to.

i wish i could freeze the world.
time.
life:
live it until i am born again.

i want a thousand lives,
loves.
over and over.
feel like it will last forever
and then, it does.


my apartment is
a
l
l

m
i
n
e

.

i feel the loneliness of life set in.
sink into my bones till
the bottom of my tongue
gets heavy.

and falls apart.
one piece at a time.

xxx.

i'm off to see: the wizard

hello again.

**


four years ago i started writing a blog on this site.

compelled by my friend alyssum, i started.
and today i'm starting:
again.

--

when looking back at my blogs i thought two things:
1. did I REALLY say THAT?
and
2. you dirty mouthed bitch!

and so,
know i'm thinking:
let's try again.

thanks again:
alyssum.
you seem to give me courage.
you set a brill example.
and wow- you've written a lot of blogs.

I SHALL JOIN YOU.

maybe this can be my new journal so i don't feel so worthless anymore.

this city without you

on the subway their eyes burn into me
american
foreigner
i have never felt so special
so watched
so alone

we have been traveling for days
packing our weight in socks on our backs
exhausted from missing loves

i have listened for you here
turned my ear toward the temple
and waited to breath you in

so far away and yet my love for you
is exact
spilling from my wrist onto the canvas

i want to paint you, kiss you, take you into me in this park
this castle
on the tatami
in the streets
make you understand what it feels like here

on the subway
their eyes would burn into us
americans
foreigners
lovers

we all live on the yellow submarine

a very crisp, sunny day in lexington, kentucky. i feel extremely uplifted after my weekend with fancy in the big city. cinncinati. i watched over 60 children, between the ages of 5 and 12, audition for school house rock. how much little mermaid, cinderella stool in my corner and hairspray bullshit can one girl handle? it was very interesting indeed.

i realized so many things watching all those belt their hearts out- number 1. i really don't want to be a stage mom. #2 there is nothing good to say about spandex on big kids and #3 i can't sing. oh, dear. I can't sing. how in the world will i make if i can't sing. i mean, really really have a block of some sort about singing. i don't know what it was about him- but as the 11 year old singing yellow submarine snapped on his stuffed octopus and put on his sailor/captian hat sobbing, i realized we all do live on the yellow submarine. and what large, unforgiving musically challanged submarine it is.

here's to you fancy. for putting up with the little ones and helping them by the best they can be.

the poor girl blues

i have been on the internet looking at pictures of boys. sigh. again.

and the thing is that everyone seems so unreachable or something.

and i'm wondering why i have this fantasy of going to a big city and finding this boy that is just perfect for me. ok. so this is the scenario. i am going to work in the morning at some crappy job because that's very much me and i walk out of the coffee shop i have just gotten coffee at and i see this boy in the window of the shop beside me and he sees me and our eyes me and he thinks, who is that amazingly special person? why is she here? i can't let her walk away..and then he comes out and asks me to meet him the same place tomorrow and so i do, but i'm late and it doesn't matter- he waits. and we go to an art gallery and then we eat doughnuts from the trash because he's poor too, but it doesn't matter because we'll both be stars soon. and then a truck drives by and splashes us with dirty water and i say you've got some sugar on your chin and he says that's a rude thing to say, but right now i need to tell you that i think i'm in love with you.OH NO. it's all wrong. no love yet. NOT YET. goddamnit.

boy, that seems so possible, but the fact is that i'm too lazy to do this thing on the internet- this searching and searching and keeping things up and trying to get a relationship established with someone in oregon. or hawaii. or wherever. and no, i don't know what to do or who to add and shit to blog and all this will be lost in the void of the internet, which i secretly believe has something to do with alice in wonderland.

i brought some pie to work for mike and he left, so now i'm eating it. not like i need some pie. NOT LIKE I NEED SOME FUCKING PUMPKIN PIE.

monday, monday

good morning all.

another monday morning here at the old dac. i'm pretty tired today, and it's monday, so that's not really helping much. mondays are hard because you know that you have so much more to go before the weekend-- but this weekend is HALLOWEEN time, and that's a time for all kiddies to have fun and get GHOULISH. i think it's time to discuss my dressing up options for halloween.

we've got ROUGE- from xmen. an obvious choice because i have the white streak in my hair and all. then we've got the JAPANESE SCHOOL GIRL- another good one because i got these socks in japan that are extremely long, white socks that scrunch down below the knee that school girls there wear- pretty cute with a plaid skirt and mary janes. i have also thought about just doing it up GYPSY style because i'm going to be reading some tarot at our party and that seems pretty fitting...

any other ideas,?? don't hold back peopele-- this is your chance to mold me. make me what you want.

i want to take this time to congratulate my schann rae bebe on her engagement-- i can't wait until the wedding. it's going to be amazing and absolutely beautiful. and SO SCHANN! the ampitheatre- the cabins- the outdoors! you are so beautiful and you will make such an amazing bride.

i also want to send my love to the newest newly weds- heather and brad and lester and aumaine. my wonderful friends that i love so dearly. i want to wish you the best.

ok. now with all these wedding congrats out of the way- i'm getting off here to work on my play. finally. peace.

i dreamt of nara

i want to dream of nara tonight
of the deer that licked my fingers
touching their soft antlers
i was happy there

so many people to love
so many people to love me

it's been raining here
and i wonder
if you have been calling to me
japan
and i have missed you too much to listen

on the other side of the world i am crying
i need to visit tonight
in my sleep i will float over these trees
orange and yellow, red fire and soft green
i will come to you
with wings and pet the deer
kiss wet noses

be happy again

stroke it

ok. so this weekend i have been with my family- and some funny shit took place. first of all, i was a bridesmaid in my cousin heather's wedding. this girl means the world to me. grew up with me in the country and became one of my best band aid buddies in my first years at uk. we have done so many halarious things together- gone to nashville to hang out with badly drawn boy- followed coldplay to the cold ass city of chicago and froze our asses off waiting for them. i mean, froze off. i left a frozen chunk of ass op there on the street for a pigeon to peck at. but, regardless, we had some good times and then this bitch leaves the cool single life and decides to get MARRIED. jesus. so, i wore this TIGHT ass bridesmaid dress on saturday for like 8-10 hours or some crazy shit. really long time in a strapless light pink long dress with a ribbon train. not a bad looking dress, just very VERY revealing. and of course, with my free spirited ways, i refused to wear a bra so my big tat tats were just bouncin and jouncalin all over the country side. out of control.

but, the shocker of this wedding was that i had to read a poem- "the HANDS CEREMONY" and come to find out this is like the main part of the ceremony (or at least it was in my mind) so i got super nervous when she's walking down the aisle because she starts crying and i realize that i'm going to start crying and i've got to speak and be brilliant and not fuck up. so i'm up there and i have to think about something that's pissing me off - like the fact that i can't smoke a cigarette all day because this church in bfe is filled with my family who i can't smoke in front of.. let me just say now that i'm pissed not because i can't smoke period, but just that i can't smoke here NOW in this very stressful time- and that i can't eat either, so if you can't eat you want to smoke.

*side note: these dresses turned out to be about 2 sizes smaller than we actually thought they were going to be so the bridesmaids couldn't really eat the day of the wedding and couldn't eat much more the days before the wedding. that's fucked up.

so, we get through the wedding and i was insanely happy for her and went and danced at the elk's lodge basement for the reception. did i mention how fucking country my town is? the reception was in the smokiest bingo parlour - and my family - somehow - managed to dance our asses off on a couple of songs. i have never seen my dad fast dance before! and then, eventually my mom came out to the dance floor and shook her own very unrhythmic tail feather. it was a riot - they played salt and pepper's let's talk about sex for chirst's sake.

so, they're off and married and going to vegas and the whole time this thing is going on- the rehearsal dinner and the bullshit for the reception and mom and daughter fighting and little kids crying and everyone in a state of total stress and i decided that i would elope (which makes my dad very happy) and go on a kickass trip and never, never make myself or anyone go through this bull shite.

lxxx